Special Features

Take the Steve Gerber Personality Quiz!

Which Steve Gerber character are you the most like? Take this simple test to find out. Choose one answer to each of the questions below. Then click the "Depress" button to see the results.

You may take this test as often and as many times as you like. Just don't hold me responsible for your mood afterward.

When I'm happy, I:
Know there must be some good reason I shouldn't be.
Sing morose and depressing Beatles songs.
Don't kill the moron who cut me off in traffic.
Would like to share my joy with a tavern wench.
Barely notice.
Don't know.

When I'm alone, I:
Polish my weapon.
Thank god for small favors.
Fantasize futilely.
Barely notice.
Don't know.

When people meet me, the first thing they notice is:
The smell.
My large gun.
My alienation.
My height -- and they can go screw themselves.
My legs.
Don't know.

The first thing I'd like to do when I get angry at someone is:
Shoot them.
Jump up and down and scream "waughh!"
Remember that looks can kill.
Sic an ostrich on them.
Wonder why.
Don't know.

When someone insults me, I am tempted to:
Agree with them.
Consider the source.
Threaten them with castration.
Shoot them.
Crush their skull like a ripe melon.
Don't know.

My ideal day would be spent:
Alone with a cigar.
Wading in my own despair.
Using corporate executives as target practice.
On only one plane of existence, thank you!
I haven't had an ideal day in what seems like 11,000 years.
Don't know.

My perfect mate would be:
Relatively normal.
Intelligent, sexy, and not opposed to interspecies marriage.
The reincarnation of a hot mama I used to know.
As violent as I am.
Constantly damp.
Don't know.

I get depressed when I think about:
My home planet.
My home dimension.
Any dimension other than my own.
Enemies who are still breathing.
My face.
Don't know.

My pet peeve is:
Gun control laws.
Ex-boyfriends/girlfriends who can't take a hint.
The entire human species.
Tight manholes/womanholes.
Unwanted intrusions into my brain.
Don't know.

The thing I like most about myself is:
I'm flexible.
I am still capable of outrage.
My aim is true.
I believe in reincarnation, but none of that other New Age crap.
Don't know.

My ideal pet would be:
A large bird.
A pit bull.
Jimmy Olsen.
My most loathesome foe trapped forever in the shape of a Precious Moments figurine.
An alligator that isn't smarter than I am.
Don't know.


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Text Copyright © 2001 Steve Gerber. All rights reserved.