You know those stories about kids who get mad at a parent and yell “I wish you were dead!”, and then the parent gets run over by a truck, and the guilt-ridden kid feels responsible for the parent’s death for the rest of his life?
Well, I’m dealing with something like that, but not about a parent.
About New Orleans.
I’ve never been to New Orleans. I have nothing against the city, per se, and certainly nothing against its people.
But something once happened in that town, while my figurative back was turned, that wounded me deeply. Without going into petty detail, let’s just say a trust may have been breached.
A year ago, I was lying in a hospital bed with pneumonia, feeling very alone. Betrayed again, in a way, albeit this time by my own body. There was nothing to watch on television but sports (I’m not a fan of anything but boxing and gymnastics), Turner Classic Movies (they were running Humphrey Bogart pictures), and, of course, the approach of Katrina.
As the storm bore down on New Orleans, deep down, in a very ugly part of myself, I thought: “Good.”
I wish I could blame it on the pneumonia, but a moment of infantile self-indulgence was the likelier cause. I wanted the storm to eradicate the city, but, you know, like not hurt anybody.
More precisely, I wanted the storm to obliterate that memory of betrayal.
My reaction when Katrina actually hit New Orleans was the same as everybody else’s — everybody’s who wasn’t in the Bush administration, anyway. I was aghast at the destruction, horrified at the human toll, infuriated by the government’s indifference, and so on. I’m pretty sure I broke into tears at least once, watching the coverage.
Now, I’m an adult, and I fully realize that I wasn’t responsible for a Category 5 hurricane, but I still feel the occasional pang of conscience for wishing what I did that day — because, in a way, it actually worked.
When I think of New Orleans now, the *last* thing that comes to mind is *my* paltry betrayal. I grieve too much for the city’s own.